“Love” is probably one of the hardest words to define. That being said, one tends to recognize it when one sees or feels it. According to Dictionary.com, love is generally defined as “a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.” However, there are several other definitions of love that follow that entry. For our purposes, we can narrow the kinds of love relevant to romance down to three: self-love, philia, and erotic-love. When it comes to a relationship, having all three is ideal, but two out of three isn’t bad, right?

That depends on who you are and which kind of love is left out. Let’s look at the three loves and how they may manifest.

Self-Love is just that, love of oneself. At worst, this is extreme egotism, but at best it is a healthy appreciation, respect and fondness for one’s own character. Isn’t this an important first step when it comes to entering into love? Can a person who hates himself really be a good partner to someone else? Can a person who hates herself really be attractive, at all? Do people who date those who hate themselves really in love, or do they, on some level, think so little of themselves that they will make the best out of bad situation?

Philia is a term presented by Aristotle to encompass respectful and caring relationships among friends, business partners, governments, etc. For our purposes, it basically means a general respect and care for another. You may be attracted to your significant other, but do you care about his or her general well-being, the accomplishment of his or her hopes and dreams, the day he or she is having? If you can give a certain and passionate “yes” to those questions, you know what philia is.

Erotic-Love is probably the most self-explanatory love of the three. Sexual attraction and passion for another is a driving force in many relationships. The desire to touch, kiss, and (fill in the blank) with another –so strong you cannot think about anything else—may be considered erotic love.

So, can a relationship work without all three types of love? Which kind of love can a fulfilling relationship do without?

You need self-love; otherwise, the other two are mere phantoms of what they should be. As I said above, if you don’t love yourself, you’re not going to be a healthy partner to anyone else. What’s more, you won’t be able to pick a partner that can truly fulfill you. You may find someone to temporarily and superficially alleviate any pain, but this may not be enough for a strong relationship.

I believe self-love is foundational. The real debate is between erotic love and philia. If you had to choose one with a partner, which one would it be? Erotic-love can be intense, exciting and inspiring, but this fire tends to burn down after a while. What do you have then? Also, erotic-love starts and ends with sex—its desire and the act of its fulfillment. Sex, for better or for worse, need not be a requisite for a long-term romantic bond. Fromm writes that “sexual desire can easily blend with and be stimulated by any strong emotion, of which love is only one” (54). Erotic-love must be mixed with something conducive to a satisfying and fulfilling relationship if it is to be worth anything. Fromm continues with a statement that may provide the answer to our inquiry: “If the desire for physical union is not stimulated by love, if erotic love is not also brotherly love, it never leads to union in more than an orgiastic, transitory sense” (54).

So, it seems that brother love, or philia, has the bigger part to play. Or does it? Fromm writes, “The most fundamental kind of love, which underlies all types of love, is brotherly love. By this I mean the sense of responsibility, care, respect, knowledge of any other human being, the wish to further [his or her] life” (47). Yes, I can understand why such love is foundational. Sex without responsibility, care, respect or knowledge may be a lot of fun, but by no means relationship-worthy. However, philia sounds like the way we should treat all people, so why enter into love relationships at all. If you have self-love and philia for another person, doesn’t that just make you really good friends?

So, here we are. If one had to choose between erotic-love and philia in a relationship, one would do well to seek another relationship: one that has a healthy combination of philia and erotic love to go along with self love. There can be no either/or. It is the only way.

References:

The Definition of Love

Fromm, Erich. The Art of Loving. New York: Harper Colophon Books, 1956.

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Would you date someone who had previously dated one of your friends?

Yes! I'm perfectly happy to date my friend's exes. They're exes for a reason.

No! It's too incestuous. I don't feel comfortable dating a friend's ex.

Maybe Yes: I haven't had the opportunity, but I don't see a problem with it.

Maybe No: I haven't done it, but I don't think I would.