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Whats a mom to do?
Im a single mom to a beautiful 6 year old boy. Recently I started dating a man who doesnt have a problem with my son, but never wants to do things that would include him. For 6 years it was just me and my child, and now with the new boyfriend I feel like Im not being a good mom. I think that if he really wanted a relationship with me then he would be more receptive to knowing my son. Should I end it?
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The relationship was booming! They had so much love that you cannot even imagine and the man knew than he already had a daughter and the schedule to pay attention to her. After those three years they got married and took the baby back to their home. They have been happily married for more than 20 years now and that girl is already grown up.
Some people cannot survive a sudden stress that they suddenly have a child and that child brings so many problems every day. Every man wants to be the only child of his woman and it is difficult for him when somebody else takes her attention. Don't press him and don't overload him with your child. Give him an opportunity to get accustomed to this new reality. Sometimes it takes years, but you will be rewarded if you are really patient.
Posted by:
Pilgrim
on 04/11/2010
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The very first thing you indicated was whether or not you considered yourself to be a good mom.
Your priority as a nuturing mother is coming to a close as raising children goes. Fathers of children tend to pick up the other side of childhood as children come to know responsibility.
So your need to nurture must be balanced by either accepting the role yourself as teacher of responsibility or choose another to fill the role. Also you must be allowed some time for yourself.
To the bones of your quandry.
It is your duty to fill the role with a suitable person who will be a type of mentor to your child. He doesn't have to be a fatherly type, but he must be a daddy type because that is what your boy needs. If you don't see to that function in sharing your time with a peer one of two things will happen.
The 1st is that junior will come to know what your departure means with a
sense of loss as you go on dates without any benefit seeing the departure.
The 2nd is a learning that he as a boy has something wrong with him, because men just show no interest in him for including him.
If you can't get your new boyfriend to understand your need of having such a partnership then cut it off after reading this advice.
Your job is to be mother, protector and teacher of responsibility if you can't find one willing to love you and your son.
You Asked
Posted by:
YouAsked
on 03/24/2010
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I see the solution as a three-step process. Step one: Play devil's advocate. Consider that your man is not disinterested in your son, but that he is being cautious. Maybe he wants to wait until the relationship is well-established before he becomes a part of your son's life. Perhaps he feels awkward or shy around children. Or maybe he's feeling starry-eyed over the newness of your relationship and he's too focused on you to think about your son. You don't indicate whether you've suggested dates that include your son; if you haven't, maybe he feels like you'll ask when you're ready. I think it's important to consider alternatives to "he's not interested in my son" so that when you move on to the next step (initiating a dialogue), you'll be in a position to fully understand what your man has to say.
Step two: Start a dialogue at a "neutral" time -- perhaps during a casual, relaxed date that could easily include your son. A good opener might be, "I'm having a great time with you today. I love coming to this park (or beach or museum). You know, 'Bobby' loves tossing a Frisbee around -- how about we plan a day at the park for the three of us? I bet you could teach him some throwing tricks." Listen to his response ... is it agreeable, tentative or evasive? Maybe he'll come clean and tell you that he's really not interested in a relationship with your son, i.e. he doesn't want to take on a "father" role (which likely would be a deal-breaker). Perhaps he will express some of the misgivings mentioned above. Or maybe he will surprise you and admit that he really would like to start getting to know your son now that you've been dating for "x" number of weeks.
Step three: Remember that actions speak louder than words. It may sound cliched, but there's a world of truth to it. Assuming that he agrees to develop a relationship with your son, he needs to make good on this. If you begin to sense that he doesn't intend to follow through, or that he's just not comfortable with it, you need to pay heed to that. So often we put stock in what people say and ignore what they're actually doing (or not doing). Your gut will have to be your guide to some extent, and you will know in due time if the relationship needs to be terminated. Best of luck!
Posted by:
AskSara
on 02/25/2010
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