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Would you date someone who had previously dated one of your friends?

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ANONYMOUS Needs Advice

Posted by anonymous
Posted on Feb 25, 2010
Last updated 6 minutes ago

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When should I open my mouth?

My good friend J. is dating a girl that is possibly completely wrong for him. He is an easy going musician and she is a high maintenance hair dresser. They have been committed to each other for over a month and have been arguing non stop. She is a very sensitive girl and J. is in no way trying to hurt her feelings. She gets upset with him if he watches a movie that is violence or if it has a nude scene. She gets upset if another girl talks or texts to him and she feels threatened.

Not one of his friends is supportive of this relationship, except me. I'm not even sure if they should be together but I don't want to loose J's trust in me if I turn against him as well. I believe he will just recoil and not talk to anyone about this girl. She does not like other people getting into her business and really likes to make his life miserable if someone does, so speaking to her about cooling down her emotional roller-coaster is out of the question.

What I do tell him is that yes, this girl is high maintenance, but if it is worth it 75 percent of the time, then do whatever makes you happy. It's nice to see a new budding relationship develop, but this is heading disastrous at an alarming rate! Is it worth it so say something negative about this new girlfriend?

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You prove yourself to be an excellent friend simply in that your concern extends to writing for advice! And while I applaud your wish to be a self-less friend, fearing the outcome of showing J. a crack in your unconditional support, it is important to remember that people get a sense of who they are not from self-reflection, but from interaction with other people. Your friends are your mirror, and you see who you are by the way they return your image to you. This being said, it is also an important job to listen and support. But don't hide your feelings, either. There are ways to show J. that while you are his friend for life, you are not necessarily on easy-going terms with the qualities this girl brings out in him. The key is to respect his decision to be the kind of guy that dates a total, well, you know. A person who dates (seriously)someone manipulative, controlling, and self-centered is either very self-assured and sees amazing qualities in this troubled person that outweigh the bad (this would result in a care-giver type of relationship in which your friend would be guiding this girl toward better behavior), or he/she is infatuated and lacks enough self-esteem to truly assert themselves (this would result in a stressful argumentative relationship).
I would venture to say that your issue isn't this girl, but how J. behaves with her--that he might be the sort of person who cannot assert himself and may very well end up with someone like this, depriving you, in a way, of your friendship with him. This is likely the reason his other friends have gotten angry, and you're very sympathetic to have remained neutral. But if asked to hang out with the couple (provided I'm right and it would make you uncomfortable to be around them together) it would be a lie of omission to say 'sure, sounds good!' This is the point when you could tell J. you'd prefer to spend time with him in another setting without her--not because of the girl, but how he becomes around her (ie; he acts different than what you're used to and have based a friendship on)...cluing him in to his emotional state but not badmouthing the girl, either. Any incensed defense of the relationship he may have made in the face of his angry friends is just an indication he is aware, on some level, that the girl does not bring out his best qualities, and that he is, at the moment, unable to fix the situation.
If you can respect that he is not in control right now, and love him anyway, but not shy away from explaining that your friendship (as it is based on his personality removed from the girl) is important to you, it may help him identify his weakness and gain the confidence to end the relationship. Only explain yourself when the situation calls distinctly for your honest imput--however, if J. doesn't find the relationship stressful, and it is not negatively impacting him, he may choose to stay with her, and you may have to accept that he will have two roles, your friend, and her boyfriend, and the two may never exist in the same room. Not that you couldn't all be in the same room, but in that case he will be doing the boyfriend thing. It is important you both realize these delineations if his relationship continues. If he gets upset, keep your focus on your concern about keeping his friendship, let him know it is important to you, and that you don't judge his girlfriend or his choice to be with her. Good luck!

Posted by: Anton on 02/28/2010

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It's not easy to watch people we care about make poor choices. It's also a lot easier to judge a situation from the outside looking in. I think we've all done things that our friends and loved ones deemed wrong, but we just didn't see it -- or didn't want to.
So should you tell J how you feel? Let's pretend he doesn't see anything wrong with the relationship. By inserting your negative view, you risk his resenting you for not supporting him. If the relationship works out, he will always remember that you didn't approve. (Of course, if you and he are close, he may forgive whatever you say.)
Now let's pretend he does see problems with the relationship. If that's the case, he doesn't need to be told. Sure, he may approach you for advice, or maybe he will hint that he'd like your input, at which point you can use your discretion.
The bottom line is that people are generally moved to act on their own terms -- and not a moment sooner. This goes for quitting smoking, losing weight, or ending a bad relationship. It's doubtful that your telling him what's obvious to you and everyone else will prompt him to act before he's ready. It may very well make him defensive and want to "prove" everyone wrong by staying with this girl.
So if he's happy (or thinks he is), let him be. And if he's not, the best you can do is be there for him if and when he wants to talk about it. Good luck!

Posted by: AskSara on 02/25/2010

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The thin line you donr want to cross. Your a friend and you are his friend and your job is to be supportive. Whether he is complaining about her or his fair weather friends that have abandoned him, if you are truely his friend you just take it all in.
If he asks you about his new lady love then feel free to vent then, but as of now just leave it alone. The relationship is theirs to do how they please within it and the best thing you can do is stay out of it.
Destructive relationships end eventually, but a great friend can be a life long commitment. Stand by him and dont let their relationship affect yours.

Posted by: mgr35704 on 02/25/2010

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