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Would you date someone who had previously dated one of your friends?

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ANONYMOUS Needs Advice

Posted by anonymous
Posted on May 16, 2010
Last updated 6 minutes ago

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She's Mrs. Jekyl/Hyde depending on if she's single or attached

My friend and former college roomie just broke off her 7 year marriage last year. It was, in my opinion, a smart move. She has never seemed happier. Over the years of her marriage, she drifted apart from me and became a different person, but after she left her husband it was like an overnight return of my friend. She was laughing again, and just her old light-hearted self. But now, she is back in a relationship and she is starting to become her old married self again. The friend who has heavy shoulders and doesn't laugh as much.

How do I bring this up?

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It sounds like you need to have a friend-to-friend conversation with this person. You should invite your friend out for coffee or dinner in a relaxing, non-confrontational atmosphere and ask her how things are going for her about life in general, family members, and her new love interest. Take note of how she answers your questions about this new relationship – does she hesitate? Do her answers seem genuine or fake? The point here is to get her to open up to you; you don’t want to attack her or make her feel uncomfortable. And, quite often, the moment a person in this situation feels that they are being judged or lectured they stop talking, want to change the subject, or make like everything is grand. You do not want to alienate your friend, and it make take a while to get her to really open up to you, especially if the two of you were not close for a while. Once you feel that she is genuinely opening up to you I would let her know that you are there for her. You are here to be her friend and will support her in whatever decisions in life she makes. It is important that this is a genuine sentiment from you. You must truly realize that your friend is an adult and that despite how much you enjoy her friendship, you cannot tell her or force her to do anything. Above all, when talking to your friend about how she is acting since she has been in her new relationship, never give her an ultimatum. That will make your friend feel cornered and as a result she will probably lash out at you, not the boyfriend. Whether or not your friend admits to wanting to get out of the relationship, it is your job as a friend to respect her wishes. And, she may not be receptive to your thoughts about her being a different person while she is in a relationship. Just remember she is likely to be sensitive about this subject and that it may take awhile of her evaluating your thoughts and her life before she comes around and decides to make any major life changes. I wish you the best of luck talking to your friend, but remember, if you are truly her friend, you will be there for her no matter what, during good decisions and bad.

Posted by: LoungeChairLinds on 05/20/2010

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Well, now that we have her behavior pattern figured out, why don't we work on you? She has a partner, lover, and friend these days and you are playing second fiddle to all three. This a very natural thing and if you are feeling lonesome over it, this is also very natural. Take a break from her and him
and get over your needy blues doing things like getting out in the sun every time it's available. Go to parks with lots of people. Go for walks at noon where people use the chance to get a breather..and be around folks being alone together. Then, if the mood hits you, invite your old roomie and her beau to take in a Friday afternoon happy hour somewhere and get stoopid together..and then, fare thee well for awhile...like that, ok?

Posted by: leesha on 05/16/2010

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