I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 1 1/2 years. We have had very few problems – we get along great. But, we have a few hurdles.

He moved to my area (he lives about 20 miles south of me) about 3 years ago. He is renting a small house. Lease is up next April. He was married for 13 yrs prior to this. The divorce was pretty amicable. Personality conflicts and their careers kept them apart enough that they decided to divorce. (I have met her – it was a pleasant meeting. I do not feel there is any concern over her or the marriage. The relationship had been broken for quite a few years prior to the divorce.) The wife is in the military and they moved several times during their marriage. She made much more money than him – he also didn’t keep a job too long due to their numerous moves. She bought the houses they lived in (she had consistent income.) He said that he always felt that he was living in her house, not theirs.

When I first met him, he had just accepted a position with a company that is about a 50 min drive to the southwest of his house – opposite direction from me. For the past year, we have spent most nights together, either at my place or his, unless he is out of town on business. (The drive to work is 1.25 hrs one way from my house.) I totally understand that staying at my place during the week can be hard due to the long commute, so I am happy to stay at his place during the week. His job is good in many ways (good pay), but not the best in others (very excessive hours - he is salaried – it’s the nature of his type of work- but he has some options.) He likes to go to a gym and workout 3 times a week. He cannot always do this when he travels.

About me: I have a job where I work from home (software consultant) – I love it. Technically, I can live almost anywhere. I moved to where I live now (the country) 7 years ago. I bought some land and designed and built my house. I have horses (boarded) and ride and visit them often. I do not feel we have to share every activity, so I think we have an ok amount of time spent doing our solo activities (he–gym; me-horses). Finding someone out here in the country that I get along with and have similar tastes and experiences is rare.

We had talked about him moving when his lease is up. I said my house doesn’t have to be forever – I told him I would consider moving to another place with him and sell my house, if we living together worked out and we want to remain together. He said he would not live with me and work where he is working. He also mentioned that he didn’t want another situation where he felt he was living in someone else’s house again. He also is thinking about quitting his job. He has lots of money and in a career where there are few people to do the work, so finding work is fairly easy for him. He has his own company (independent consulting) – so he could work as an independent consultant and make lots of money for himself for the time he puts in (and not the employer) and then could take time off in between jobs. I know this is big step for him – to buy a house and feel like he is responsible adult. He has always taken care of financial obligations (not a slacker in that area) and that is wonderful. He does get tired of working in this line of business as it is mentally draining and can involve lots of travel . I understand the desire to work a simpler job. (While I love working from home and what I do, my job is changing and not for the better. If I could sell my house, I could probably quit, too. We have casually talked about doing something fun – starting our own business – but no serious discussions on it.)

About 2 months ago, I visited him out of state where he was working (nice place!) and he took a week off for vacation for my visit. His adult daughter also came along (college graduation present). The vacation was great. I think he was very sad when I left to go back as he had to stay for another 2 weeks. But when he got back - his attitude changed towards me. Very cold, almost treating me as an acquaintance. Odd behavior and things said - he just wanted to leave me and go home. He usually likes hugging, very affectionate, but he didn’t want to touche – just wanted to go home. He had to go back to the job site 5 days after he got home, so this extended coldness caused a fight. We talked the night before he left – and he said he was wasting my time as he said he would not be moving in with me next spring. He said he is planning on buying a house closer to work (it would probably be an hour drive between us). Later in the conversation that night, he said he loves me, doesn’t want anyone else but me – I think it was sincere. I feel that this would be a long distance relationship and it will not last. We will be living different lives. This hurt – I realize that it may have come to that, but saying this now – almost year in the future, hurts. (I would say that he doesn’t have a good way with words – our few but big fights have been the way that he has said things to me.) He went back out of state and his contact with me was only texts for awhile, he called me one morning – said he wished I was there. Then a few more texts the following days, then he stopped. Considering what he said to me before he left - (regarding the “he is wasting my time”), the wish you were here stuff hurts - I don’t know if he means it or what. I feel like what he said put an expiration date on our relationship. We ended up breaking up for awhile – it was me – mainly. He stopped communicating with me and I am pretty stubborn and didn’t call or contact him. We didn’t communicate for about 2 weeks. I found out that he was home and finally emailed him asking to talk. He only has time to see me 2 times/week. I said I didn’t want a part-time relationship. I said it needs to be over. I emailed him 2 days later and he ended up coming over. I know he missed me and me him. He started acting like things were back to normal, came over to make dinner, went out to dinner for July 4th and fireworks, came to my area for one of my friend’s birthday dinner last night. He seems really happy and tells me he loves me. Not seeing each other every night, 6 times in the past 12 days.

He is looking at houses this weekend. I understand that this would be his first house that is his. (I’ve owned 3 places, including my current house.) I understand why he is looking to buy where he is (closer to work and a larger city). I love visiting that city, but not sure I want to live in it. He says he wants to start buying property with the intent to turn it into rental property – but it would require him to live it in for awhile. I think he wants to buy now as he is employed and he may want to quit in the near future, but needs the job to get the loan. I understand all of this, but I still don’t like it. He says he want to do this “with me”, but the “with” part seems to be really only with my knowledge. It’s not like he said he wants me to move with him and I don’t even know if my opinion would matter as to what house he may choose. I don’t want a part-time far relationship. It would eventually get to where we wouldn’t see each other on a weekend because we want to spend it at our own houses (I have cats and a dog.)

Options:
A - Still see each other as we have been, and see what happens.
How I see it:
I will most likely get hurt, again. I feel that he gets his cake and eats it, too and I just get
to look forward to when he will dump me for someone he meets closer.

B - Keep in contact (friends only) – but tell him I will look for a different relationship (one
closer and not part-time)
How I see it:
I would do this, hoping he will figure out that he does want me, but not sure how this
would work, maybe he would suggest C. I feel like I would be putting a damper on his
house buying adventure and I don’t want to make this like he has to choose. I do
understand how it feels to buy your own place (exciting) and don’t want my unhappiness
him moving away to affect him. I feel like it would just further solidfy his decision to move
away.

C – I move with him and rent my house. He has not brought this up and I am leaning against suggesting this – but would. This
would at least let me keep my house while we figure out if we want to be together. If it
doesn’t work out, I can move back.
How I see it:
I would consider this – depending on where the house is and if renting works out financially.


D - Break it off now and move on – stop all contact
How I see it:
This might be best. But, again, putting a damper on his house plans, assuming he does care
about me. I realize with this and option B is that he is doing all this knowing I am upset but
going ahead anyway.

E – He decides not to buy now and moves in with me.
How I see it:
Great, but not great. For him to make that decision means that he is giving this all up for
me, but he would resent me for it and I don’t want that.

What should I do?