When I was single, whenever someone told me to look to religion for relationship advice, I would roll my eyes or, if the person was in immediate proximity, smile and nod with no intention of taking the advice. When I became a Buddhist, I still didn't see an obvious connection. The Buddha, himself, seemed to have no interest in romance, so it didn't occur to me to apply any Buddhist principles to the dating scene. However, if one were to realize that enlightenment does not discriminate, that an enlightened being would carry that enlightenment throughout his or her life, one must realize that dating would not be exempt from the grace of Buddhahood. So, this top five list involves the most famous of Buddhist precepts: the four noble truths. It also involves a precept from one of the most popular and well-respected sutras of Buddhism: The Lotus Sutra.
So, when it comes to dating, what would the Buddha do?



The First Noble Truth: Life is Suffering
Living is synonymous with suffering. That is, if you're alive, you are going to have problems. Of course, most of us are not suffering at all moments. This truth means that, in this world, we have to make constant efforts to avoid discomfort and misfortune; it doesn't just come to us. When applied to dating, then, we have to realize that finding a significant other is difficult. Sometimes, we find those we think are significant others and give them labels like "soul mate" or "the one," only to be let down in the end. As pessimistic as it may sound, we have to keep this in mind. Although we can be superstars , major "Playas" in the game, the game can be quite unfair and the playing field can be quite harsh. So, get all romanticized, idealized situations out of your head when entering the dating scene. If everything were that peachy-keen, there would not be any love stories

Second Noble Truth: Suffering is Caused by Desire
Yep, we suffer because we desire so much. When we desire something, we feel a kind of pain in wanting something we don't have. What's more, we may feel a sharper pain when we strive for something without attaining it. The same goes for the dating scene. To many, life sucks because of what they DO NOT have: this includes a significant other. So, to confine this idea to the dating scene, the pain of not having somebody is caused by the desire to have somebody. This seems obvious, but think about it. If we could simply not desire so much, things would not be so hard. We would relax a bit and go about the dating scene with a lets-see-what-happens attitude. But I'll let the third noble truth expound on that.

Third Noble Truth: Pain Ceases when Desire Ceases
This may sound quite paradoxical, but the way to go about getting something is to not want it so badly. This is actually a common thought in the dating scene. How many times have you heard a person say that when he or she stopped looking, that special someone came along? Once the need to have a romantic interest ceased, the pain of not having a romantic relationship ceased. This lack of pain opened the door for more pleasure, which--consciously and subconsciously--attracts good things like, for instance, a romantic partner.

Fourth Noble Truth: The way to end desire is through the Eight-fold, consisting of Right View, Right Thought, Right Speech, Right Action, Right Livelihood, Right Effort, Right Attentiveness and Right Concentration.
What all this boils down to is thinking the right things while acting the right way. In other words, the key to squelching desire is to be so cool you do not need anything else; that may be a more palatable way to interpret this.

(I've found that, in order to work toward accomplishing the Eight-fold path, active practice works best.
See www.sgi-usa.org)

Consider Your Context
This is not an official part of the Four Noble Truths (since there are four of them), but it is an important part, nonetheless. You may need to explain yourself: your newfound lack of desire and/or the unprecedented coolness you exude. In order to do this, like any good enlightened being you must gauge your audience and act accordingly. In the Lotus Sutra, the Buddha says the following verse:


[I]n order to bring peace and comfort to living beings
I employ various different doctrines to disseminate the Buddha way
Through the power of my wisdom
I know the nature and desires of living beings
And through expedient means I preach these doctrines
Causing all living beings to attain joy and gladness (42)



Take "expedient means" to mean "the most effective mode of persuasion for a given situation." Even if you have relinquished desire, to some degree, realize that you are, more than likely, hanging out with people who haven't. Don't be that douche bag who thinks he's better than everyone. Gauge your audience and act accordingly.

That's what the Buddha would do.


Works Cited

Mitchell, Robert Allen. The Buddha: His Life Retold. New York: Paragon Press, 1991.

Watson, Burton (trans). The Lotus Sutras. New York: Columbia University Press, 1993.

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Would you date someone who had previously dated one of your friends?

Yes! I'm perfectly happy to date my friend's exes. They're exes for a reason.

No! It's too incestuous. I don't feel comfortable dating a friend's ex.

Maybe Yes: I haven't had the opportunity, but I don't see a problem with it.

Maybe No: I haven't done it, but I don't think I would.