Finding someone to whom you want to be attached romantically and spiritually is always a good thing. The concept of marriage, itself, is quite beautiful, and getting to a point where one wants to spend the rest of his/her life with someone is a goal of most carbon-based bipedal organisms on this planet (aka human beings). However, when we gain a partner, we may eventually feel like we lose someone else: ourselves.

Many people have been on their own so much, they've really learned to like themselves. As wonderful as it is to start a life as a spouse, it can feel like a devastating loss to lose your life as a single person, an autonomous individual, unfettered, to explore and live life freely.

There is a way to deal with this phenomenon, this death of one's bachelor or bachelorette life, and I have adapted the well known Kubler-Ross grief cycle as a map toward acceptance.

These five steps--Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance--may help us understand what it takes to make the transition.

Denial
Yep, you're married, a partner in a divine union. As happy as you are, though, this shouldn't mean you have to stop hanging out with the guys, right? This doesn't mean you can't watch your favorite show every Wednesday because it conflicts with the ball game, right? Everything is going to stay the same, right? My spouse is going to cater to the things I care about, right?

Wrong.

Conflicts of interests will arise, and negotiation and compromise are the only way to get through. However, this gets painful when we simply do not want to accept that our lives have to change so drastically. We still try to feel that autonomy, that freedom of not having to care for another human being. In chasing this illusion of individuality, we often fool ourselves into thinking the other person will come around and we will get our way.

Anger
Of course, when you get the inevitable realization that you can no longer live as an individual, and you are a part of a unit, you may get a little resentful. Why can't you see your friends as much as you used to? It's unfair to deny you something so important in your life. Why can't you watch TV in the ritualistic way that has comforted you for so long?

Why would someone who claims to love you make you give up such an integral part of yourself? That's wrong, isn't it? Why did YOU have to marry such an unreasonable person? It ticks you off, doesn't it?

Bargaining
Bargaining is often a good thing, in a certain context. When it is synonymous with compromise, it can promote a healthy relationship. However, when it is applied to maintaining one's full autonomy, so that one NEVER has to compromise, it can get a bit messy. We start to give up some things IN EXCHANGE for other, more important things. Again, this is in an attempt to recapture one's bachelorhood. The truth is that, no matter what you do, YOU ARE NO LONGER SINGLE. It's over. You are in a partnership and must do things as part of a unit as long as there is a ring on your finger. Bargaining doesn't make sense in this situation. Telling yourself, or God, or whomever, "I promise to be a better spouse if I can get my bachelorhood back," doesn't make sense.

Depression
This is when you realize it is over, but you haven't accepted it yet. This means that you've lost your mojo and you may feel defeated. "If I can't be my old self, I don't really want to be anyone," you may say to yourself. However, the fact that you've moved on, that you've loosened your grip on your old self, is a good thing. It is a step toward acceptance.

Acceptance
At this final stage, one may say to herself, "If I have to be a part of a whole, instead of a whole onto myself, I'm going to make the best of it." One may say, "If I can't stay out all night with my buddies, I'm going to make the best of staying in all night with my wife." In this attempt to make the best of one's status as "spouse," one truly sees the beauty of this role. There is joy to be had in this new life. The old life, the single life, is gone; a new day of matrimony is finally allowed to shine.

So, you newlyweds out there who are getting used to each other must know that you will get there if you keep at it. Let these five steps take you were you need to go. The destination will be worth the trip.

If you're married or living together, what do you miss the most about being single?

Add a Comment

You must be signed in to add a comment. Click here to sign in.

Would you date someone who had previously dated one of your friends?

Yes! I'm perfectly happy to date my friend's exes. They're exes for a reason.

No! It's too incestuous. I don't feel comfortable dating a friend's ex.

Maybe Yes: I haven't had the opportunity, but I don't see a problem with it.

Maybe No: I haven't done it, but I don't think I would.