I love my dog. Spartan is a Golden Retriever puppy who is full of love, energy and testosterone. Unfortunately, this last characteristic may cause more harm than my wife and I are comfortable with. I say we can train him to be a calmer dog, like people have been doing since the beginning of dog ownership. My wife, however, thinks it's time to snip the boy's manliness. She wants him to get neutered.

I know this is probably the best thing to do, but I don't want to do it. There are few things a person can do to a man worse than taking away his manhood. I couldn't live without my testicles, I'll tell you that. So, I feel horrible about the whole thing. I feel like I'm betraying him. I feel so lousy that I want to go through it symbolically the way some guys get pregnancy symptoms when their wives are with child.

How do I symbolically get my balls cut off to empathize with my dog? Easy: I'll remember that he is married.

If Spartan has to walk around with no balls, I will let my wife tell me what to wear. I'll let her watch whatever lame show she wants to watch. I'll come home from hanging out with the guys EXACTLY when she tells me to, and that's if she lets me out at all. I will tell her that her pants definitely do not make her butt look big. I will eat only what she wants me to eat. I will NOT go to Vegas with my buddies. I will forgo watching the playoffs to go to the Opera with her. In fact, I will always choose the Opera over sports. These, my friends, are the actions of a "neutered" man.

I don't feel bad saying this stuff because my wife is the one that wins out. She gets to clip Spartan and she gets the husband she always wanted.

Well, Spartan gets snipped in a couple of days, leaving us both with very little time to express our manhood. I'm going to walk him to the local bar, where I will get drunk and watch basketball. Gotta make the best of it while it lasts.

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