Yesterday, I had my girlfriend of over a year tell me that she isn't happy in the relationship and that, most of the time, she is feigning happiness. She says that her efforts to pretend that everything is okay border on the herculean and that she feels like she is giving up her romantic and domestic dreams to be with me. Finally, she said that anticipation of coming home from work and spending time with me deflates her and makes her feel flat and trapped. Here's the kicker, though: she doesn't want to leave. She still wants to be in the relationship. In fact, in between bouts of boyfriend loathing, she will tell me how much she loves me and hold me like I'm the greatest guy in the world. What do you make of that?

Synchronicity put me in the presence of a book by Jerold J. Kreisman and Hal Straus called "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me," a very apropos title for my situation. I'll just give you a little snippet in which the authors describe someone with an ailment called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). For people with this disorder ". . . inconsistency is the hallmark of BPD. Unable to tolerate paradox, borderlines are walking paradoxes, human Catch-22s. Their inconsistency is a major reason why the mental health profession has such difficulty defining a uniform set of criteria for the illness" (6).

So even people with degrees in medicine and psychology would be thrown for a loop by my girlfriend. I'm no mental health professional, but it only took a few chapters for me to realize that the woman I am so deeply in love with may have borderline personality disorder. Apparently, all I can do as her boyfriend is be supportive. It is up to her to overcome this stuff.

But do I be supportive, or do I leave? Can't I wish her luck and give her help without having to go through the pain of dating her? Whether she has an illness or not, I'm still being told I'm the worst person in the world on a regular basis. Lately, she's been talking about how attractive other guys are. Besides, although I've brought up therapy many times, she doesn't want to go. Am I supposed to stick around?

I don't know, but I have found support groups. If you are going through similar things, I suggest joining BPD Sanctuary. On this site, you will find advice from those who love people with BPD, professional information, and even accounts from those trying to overcome BPD. It is, indeed, a sanctuary for those who need to feel supported and to know they are not alone.

I think as long as I have a bit of help, I can have some hope in our relationship. I'll keep you posted.

References:

Kriesman, Jarold J. and Hal Straus. I Hate You, Don't Leave Me. New York: Avon Books, 1991.

BPD Sanctuary: http://www.mhsanctuary.com/Borderline/board2d.htm

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