Asked

Feb 28 2010

Female

I've noticed the clothes in my closet have been disappearing. I went to the deep depths of my closet and found a bag filled with all the missing clothes. My clothing’s had holes in it, was covered in jelly and stuffed in the back. I have a feeling it is my live in partner. How do I confront him?

by kwe12474 in Committed

Answered

Feb 28 2010

My advice in this scenario, which I imagine at this point feels more strangely peculiar than outright violating, is to simply bring it up--perhaps at dinner, for instance. Without sounding accusatory or creeped out, let your partner know exactly what you told me: that you've been missing clothes, you found them, and it appears they've endured some trauma. If it was your partner, he must have known you would eventually find the bag, and that this day was coming. Perhaps he has even been waiting for this day to come. However if he admits he took the clothes but clams up (or it is clear he took them but he won't talk), carefully explain you'd like to know why, as well as why you'd like to know why.
If a partner won't divulge information it's generally for one of two reasons...either this person's aware he or she has violated the terms of the relationship and doesn't want to have to do the work to earn forgivness (or, with more at stake, have to discuss that the terms are no longer agreeable to them), or secondly, the person feels uncomfortable exposing thier true self to the other, afraid of judgement and rejection. Often these are connected, and the terms of a relationship are built on somewhat false pretenses because one or both parties are hiding aspects of their nature out of fear of incompatability.
If you love your partner, and wish to establish a relationship fostered by total trust, you must try to create an environment of communication wherein this person will not be anxious of your reaction. It might be good to tell your partner that this is the kind of relationship you'd like to stive toward (if it indeed is). It might go a ways in giving him the confidence to be honest, i.e., he'll believe you aren't trying to pull out his dark secrets just to gain power over him. Of course, in becoming truly open, you do run the risk (from his side too!) of discovering the two of you do indeed have deep pockets of incompatibility. Then you'll have to decide what that means to you. Either these pockets can be intregrated and accepted, without reprisal, as what makes you unique to each other, or they are too gaping and you will discover you are not actually satisfyed with the relationship. Either path will lead to more inner peace and self-acceptance for both of you, even if it feels scary at the time. Honesty is the most frightening course of action, but with the most postive long term results. Think of it as fasting for one day, then getting all the ice cream you want forever, vs eating ice cream for a day and then being consigned to a lifetime of tofu!
Now, this is just an explaination of the result of establishing total honesty in any situation, with anyone, and I certainly don't mean a bag of unorthodoxly-disposed clothes will augur the end of your relationship! On the contrary, getting to the bottom of it may bring you closer, provided you are ready for it! Even if he doesn't give you a full explaination right away, displaying an ability to be honest and non-judgmental in other areas of your life together may fortify him to be more open over time...as if he is the culprit behind the clothes, he does feel a need to hide things from you, which is not an ideal situation for anyone. Remember that if he becomes noticably upset, it is probably out of fear, and try to keep in mind fear feels quite awful, so staying calm, loving, but resolved to the task at hand is most important in those cases. Good luck!

[reply to answer]

At what point does "I'm busy" turn into "I'm getting blown off"? We've been dating for 3 months and are serious about each other. Typically we will trade a couple e-mails per day and talk on the phone for a few minutes if we don't see each other, but lately that has turned into a single e-mail every couple of days.

I know that she is very busy running her business, but to me it se... read more