Asked

May 1 2010

Female

Several months ago, I finally got engaged to my boyfriend of three years. Both of us have always been very independent from our families and live a far distance away from them, so up until now, we've been able to keep the relationship private. Soon after the engagement became official, I've "leaked" the news to one of my sisters, which then got out to my parents, and before I knew it, everyone in my family knew. As joyous as all this should be, it hasn't been. My fiance and I happen to be from different ethnic backgrounds and national origins. This is a big "No/No" for my family, which thinks that I ought to preserve my national heritage with marriage to someone who is of the same national origin. It's been a month since the news and their mind hasn't changed at all. How do I absolve them of their prejudice?

anonymous post in Engaged

Answered

May 1 2010

It sounds you are dealing with a tough situation and trying to make the best of it.

It also sounds like you are going to stand by your decision to make a lifetime commitment to your boyfriend, regardless of how your family feels about it. This is an admirable choice, but may be a long and hurtful road depending on their level of disapproval. It is possible that they will choose to have limited contact with you if their disapproval is decidedly strong.

I am not sure that you can change your family members' minds about your decision and absolve them of their prejudices. Probably the most you can hope for in this situation (short of a miracle) is for them to be supportive of your decision and tolerant of your choices. Most of us make decisions throughout our lives that our parents are not thrilled with; your choice happens to be a major life decision they disagree with.

Perhaps your family feels hurt or left out that you didn't tell them your news directly. Any feelings they had about you choosing someone of a different nationality are probably magnified for that reason. In this regard, time and more direct communication with your family will likely lessen their objection to your partner.

It might help to talk with your fiance and make sure he knows where you stand. He may be feeling very unsure and confused because of your family's disapproval of him. Make sure he knows how you feel independently of your family and what you are willing to do to (or not do) to preserve your relationship. I would also be clear and blunt with your family about your intentions to go ahead with the marriage whether they are behind you or not. You will hopefully be pleasantly surprised and find that some of them will come around given the alternative of not being involved at all.

Hope everything works out for you and your fiance and that you are soon able to celebrate your new commitment to each other and your future. Congratulations!

[reply to answer]

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