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The ancient dilemma of the ex...
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Asked
Jul 20 2010
Female
Having gone through a crazy breakup with a guy I considered pretty important in my life, a year of total silence between us, and then a year of sporadic text messages, never having addressed the breakup, or the intermittent year... I find myself in a strange situation. Late night texts that mysteriously never turn into daytime texts leave me wondering if it's even possible to retain your sanity while having contact with an ex who broke your heart.
The rational, adult side of me wants to be the bigger person and forget (if not forgive) all the pain, and just be civil - not necessarily friends. The deep-down-not-quite-grown-up side of me wants to send every male I know over to his house to explain his "unwise choices".
So my question is, Is it possible to re-connect with an ex (or even a friend I suppose) who has badly hurt you in the past, without causing yourself emotional damage in the process? If so, how? I feel like ignoring attempts by him to get in touch will just give him the upper hand, as if I'm not mature enough to respond. Help an ex-crazy girl out?
The rational, adult side of me wants to be the bigger person and forget (if not forgive) all the pain, and just be civil - not necessarily friends. The deep-down-not-quite-grown-up side of me wants to send every male I know over to his house to explain his "unwise choices".
So my question is, Is it possible to re-connect with an ex (or even a friend I suppose) who has badly hurt you in the past, without causing yourself emotional damage in the process? If so, how? I feel like ignoring attempts by him to get in touch will just give him the upper hand, as if I'm not mature enough to respond. Help an ex-crazy girl out?
by berlinhennessy
in Broke Up
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Answered
Jul 20 2010
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MontrealJulia
in Broke Up
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Rating: 3.8/5 | 6 votes
"Oh boy..." doesn't even begin to cover it. As you say, the "ancient dilemma of the ex" is both maddening and can create a lot of inner conflict - not just external conflict as one might assume.
It sounds like you need to have closure in order to be your best self; you want to be mature and reasonable, and you want to feel that you are better than the feelings you're having. Unfortunately, you're still having them, regardless of your head trying to rationalize to your heart.
If you really want to have this person in your life, because you feel he will be a positive presence, then by all means try to work it out. If it's a relationship worth preserving, whether as friends or as "civilized" acquaintances for those awkward times when you bump into each other, try and get that closure. You can talk to him about it, but if you do, make sure you get everything off your chest while maintaining your composure. You don't want to rant, but you do want to be really clear about what's going on in your head & heart.
However, and this is a big however, if you are simply indulging these text messages out of a sense of obligation, because you're afraid of what ignoring him might imply ... forget about it. It is not worth obsessing over someone you don't admire, or don't truly want around. His opinion of you is worth precisely nothing if you don't value him as a person. You should never feel forced to be friendly with someone who has genuinely hurt you, for the sake of appearances (in other words, to 'be cool' about it). You don't have to be cool if you don't want to - you can definitely choose to acknowledge the fact that you simply don't want him around because he treated you poorly and apparently continues to do so. Let's not ignore the fact that he only texts you late at night; that usually has a fairly definite objective.
Most of all, remember that you are not crazy for having these feelings of conflict. Most women experience this at some time or another, as we tend to be more analytical and in need of closure than men (for reasons of upbringing, not of biology might I add). Feel what you need to feel, and respond in a way that makes you feel good about yourself. From personal experience I can tell you that lashing out or having a big epic rant will probably only serve to embarrass you later on, or leave you feeling deflated when he either doesn't care, or is pushed away by the intensity of your emotion.
Try to be true to yourself, and always give yourself time to make decisions; don't get manipulated or pushed into anything. Most of the time, the healthiest thing is to make a clean break with the notorious 'ex' simply because removing the temptation can make re-focusing your life much easier.
Good luck, and don't do anything because you feel you 'should' - do it because you want to.
It sounds like you need to have closure in order to be your best self; you want to be mature and reasonable, and you want to feel that you are better than the feelings you're having. Unfortunately, you're still having them, regardless of your head trying to rationalize to your heart.
If you really want to have this person in your life, because you feel he will be a positive presence, then by all means try to work it out. If it's a relationship worth preserving, whether as friends or as "civilized" acquaintances for those awkward times when you bump into each other, try and get that closure. You can talk to him about it, but if you do, make sure you get everything off your chest while maintaining your composure. You don't want to rant, but you do want to be really clear about what's going on in your head & heart.
However, and this is a big however, if you are simply indulging these text messages out of a sense of obligation, because you're afraid of what ignoring him might imply ... forget about it. It is not worth obsessing over someone you don't admire, or don't truly want around. His opinion of you is worth precisely nothing if you don't value him as a person. You should never feel forced to be friendly with someone who has genuinely hurt you, for the sake of appearances (in other words, to 'be cool' about it). You don't have to be cool if you don't want to - you can definitely choose to acknowledge the fact that you simply don't want him around because he treated you poorly and apparently continues to do so. Let's not ignore the fact that he only texts you late at night; that usually has a fairly definite objective.
Most of all, remember that you are not crazy for having these feelings of conflict. Most women experience this at some time or another, as we tend to be more analytical and in need of closure than men (for reasons of upbringing, not of biology might I add). Feel what you need to feel, and respond in a way that makes you feel good about yourself. From personal experience I can tell you that lashing out or having a big epic rant will probably only serve to embarrass you later on, or leave you feeling deflated when he either doesn't care, or is pushed away by the intensity of your emotion.
Try to be true to yourself, and always give yourself time to make decisions; don't get manipulated or pushed into anything. Most of the time, the healthiest thing is to make a clean break with the notorious 'ex' simply because removing the temptation can make re-focusing your life much easier.
Good luck, and don't do anything because you feel you 'should' - do it because you want to.
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