Asked

Jul 23 2010

Female

I’ve just started dating someone and it’s great but he’s just recently out of a year-long relationship. I don’t think that fact is really a problem in itself but this weekend his best friend, a best friend that he shares mutually with his recent ex, is going to be in town. The three of them are all going to a party together and my boyfriend invited me along. He said we couldn’t be pda at all because it would bother his ex but I also won’t really know anyone else at the party and so would be with these three all night long. But I feel like his ex might not like that I’m there and it might just be really awkward. Should I just go along with them and try to have fun or should I respectfully bow out of the situation and save the three of them from the possible awkwardness?

by maniras in Dating Scene

Answered

Jul 23 2010

Though you might end up having fun and getting to know your boyfriend’s friend and his ex, it sounds like the potential awkwardness and anxiety of such an interaction outweigh the potential benefits. Your boyfriend has invited you along, it’s true, perhaps because he likes spending time with you, perhaps because he wants to demonstrate his trust that you will charm both the ex and the friend, or perhaps because he doesn’t want to offend you by leaving you out, but he has also given you an indication that his ex might not be comfortable with your relationship by asking you not to be publicly affectionate. So knowing already that your relationship makes her a little uncomfortable, it’s not too much of a stretch to assume that your mere presence could make her uncomfortable.

You also show that this potential awkwardness, along with the fact that you’ll only know these few people at the party, makes you a tad bit nervous yourself because you talk about ‘trying’ to have fun. The way you’ve phrased it demonstrates that this isn’t exactly your idea of a grand old time. On the other hand, you talk about bowing out respectfully, indicating that to let the three of them go out on their own would be respecting their friendship and their time together. It’s important to remember that while your boyfriend wants you in his life, he also had a life before you came along and we have to remember to respect the boundaries between the lives we build together with our partners and the lives we have on our own. Quality time with friends is something to be respected in and of itself, and if you add to that a potentially awkward confrontation with his ex, it could make for a not-so-fun and not-so-quality evening for all.

So it seems better for everyone involved to sit it out and find something else to do that makes you happy for the evening.

On a final note, if you think that your boyfriend invited you along because he’s not comfortable with his ex, then try to remember that their relationship and their break up is not your responsibility. He needs to work through his difficulties with his ex without bringing you and your relationship into it.

[reply to answer]

I have been in a seriously relationship for two years now. My boyfriend have been talking about getting married in the next year, kids, the whole nine yards. He is going into the Navy and right before he left for summer training we got in a fight. We've fought before but this time he grabbed me and kicked me as well as said something very hurtful about my family. He says he sorry and he knows h... read more