What is an Enemy, and Do You Really Not Want One?
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Asked
Jul 27 2010
Some help for the next romance!
I seem to always miss the signs, but now, after the fact, it's quite clear. I remember laying in bed with my (ex-) girlfriend and the clock struck 11:11. For those that don't know (and I have no idea why we do this either), at 11:11 you can make a wish. The girlfriend and I had a quiet night at home, and thinking back on it, she looked quite bored. When I saw 11:11, I said "Make a wish." She closed her eyes for a few seconds, reopened them and gazed at me, then said: "It didn't come true." She rolled over and went to sleep. A few days following she decided we should see other people.
How do I keep missing these signs that I need to fix a relationship? Or a better question: how do I know my partner is becoming disinterested?
I seem to always miss the signs, but now, after the fact, it's quite clear. I remember laying in bed with my (ex-) girlfriend and the clock struck 11:11. For those that don't know (and I have no idea why we do this either), at 11:11 you can make a wish. The girlfriend and I had a quiet night at home, and thinking back on it, she looked quite bored. When I saw 11:11, I said "Make a wish." She closed her eyes for a few seconds, reopened them and gazed at me, then said: "It didn't come true." She rolled over and went to sleep. A few days following she decided we should see other people.
How do I keep missing these signs that I need to fix a relationship? Or a better question: how do I know my partner is becoming disinterested?
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Answered
Jul 28 2010
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Rating: 4.2/5 | 13 votes
I've been trying to think of a way to say what I feel needs to be revealed to you, though I am finding it difficult to locate the words that will adequately relay what I am trying to convey.
Your ex is a bitch.
Well, that was easier than expected.
Look, it's not like I know the girl. I'm also blissfully unaware of the relationship the two of you shared as well as context, intent, not to mention what she wished for at 11:11.
However, she evidently thought you were psychic. Your failure to measure up to that expectation led her to leave you. Although she herself, as a person, may be very kind and what have you, how you depict her actions could certainly be categorized as bitchy behaviour.
I would agree with the statement that men typically "miss" the "signs" more so than women. I would say this is largely due to women being far more empathetic than men are. Men respond a lot better to a problem if it stated or pointed out to them. If something is not going well, someone is bound to mention it eventually. Not to say that this is always true.
Women, generally, are more in-tune with their senses so they can recognize what a person needs/wants/means versus what the same person actually says. Men are typically not built the same way. In all honesty: we miss things.
If your ex-girlfriend really wanted your relationship to work, she would have eventually just outright told you what she felt was lacking in the relationship and make an attempt to remedy the problem. Instead she guilted you about being unsympathetic to something she could have just as easily have told you.
If you go to a movie theatre, sit down, and the people behind you kick the back of your chair incessantly. Do you:
A) Put up with for a while, having the good faith that they'll stop. If they don't, turn and ask them to stop it?
OR
B) Snap your head to the side every time they land a kick and try to convey your desire for them to stop through your tense shoulders, squinting eyes and unfriendly stare?
Remember: theatre's are dark, loud and the only one suffering is you.
Think about that one.
As far as your actual question is concerned; I've made it pretty clear that I believe that honesty is the best policy. If you find yourself always missing the signs, then it might behoove you to "come out" at the start of your committed relationships. Explain to your woman that honesty is something that's important to you. So important that you would appreciate it in blunt doses if possible. You do not want to miss an opportunity to show affection when it is required, to be intimate when it is desired or to take your significant other on a date when she feels like going out. In order to avoid missing any of these things, which you yourself enjoy, would it be possible for her to be blunt with you in whatever way she feels most comfortable:
She could tell you herself. Write a flirty note somewhere or pin you against the wall (that'll get your attention).
In response, she may smile and agree.
Or she might cringe.
If the former: I'm jealous.
If the later: Reach a compromise. Maybe she's honest about some things and for the other things you take the time to learn about your companion and how she conveys different feelings.
Cheers, Take Care & Good Luck!
-J
Your ex is a bitch.
Well, that was easier than expected.
Look, it's not like I know the girl. I'm also blissfully unaware of the relationship the two of you shared as well as context, intent, not to mention what she wished for at 11:11.
However, she evidently thought you were psychic. Your failure to measure up to that expectation led her to leave you. Although she herself, as a person, may be very kind and what have you, how you depict her actions could certainly be categorized as bitchy behaviour.
I would agree with the statement that men typically "miss" the "signs" more so than women. I would say this is largely due to women being far more empathetic than men are. Men respond a lot better to a problem if it stated or pointed out to them. If something is not going well, someone is bound to mention it eventually. Not to say that this is always true.
Women, generally, are more in-tune with their senses so they can recognize what a person needs/wants/means versus what the same person actually says. Men are typically not built the same way. In all honesty: we miss things.
If your ex-girlfriend really wanted your relationship to work, she would have eventually just outright told you what she felt was lacking in the relationship and make an attempt to remedy the problem. Instead she guilted you about being unsympathetic to something she could have just as easily have told you.
If you go to a movie theatre, sit down, and the people behind you kick the back of your chair incessantly. Do you:
A) Put up with for a while, having the good faith that they'll stop. If they don't, turn and ask them to stop it?
OR
B) Snap your head to the side every time they land a kick and try to convey your desire for them to stop through your tense shoulders, squinting eyes and unfriendly stare?
Remember: theatre's are dark, loud and the only one suffering is you.
Think about that one.
As far as your actual question is concerned; I've made it pretty clear that I believe that honesty is the best policy. If you find yourself always missing the signs, then it might behoove you to "come out" at the start of your committed relationships. Explain to your woman that honesty is something that's important to you. So important that you would appreciate it in blunt doses if possible. You do not want to miss an opportunity to show affection when it is required, to be intimate when it is desired or to take your significant other on a date when she feels like going out. In order to avoid missing any of these things, which you yourself enjoy, would it be possible for her to be blunt with you in whatever way she feels most comfortable:
She could tell you herself. Write a flirty note somewhere or pin you against the wall (that'll get your attention).
In response, she may smile and agree.
Or she might cringe.
If the former: I'm jealous.
If the later: Reach a compromise. Maybe she's honest about some things and for the other things you take the time to learn about your companion and how she conveys different feelings.
Cheers, Take Care & Good Luck!
-J
[reply to answer]
I completely dissagree. Here's what actually happend. You were in a relationship with a girl who wanted more out of you. She didn't know how to say it, but there was something missing. A thrill or something. When she closed her eyes at 11:11 what she wanted you to do was lean in and kiss her slowly and go from there. That would've excited her, it would've thrilled her, it would've pleased her and you would've followed suit by pleasuring her, and her you; if you did it right. But like you said, you didn't do that. You just laid there like a dead fish, which I'm sure if you think about it might be what she holds against you. Use that moment as a defining metaphor for your relationship in general and I'm sure you'll start seeing a pattern. Here's the break down: Making a wish at 11:11 is a sweet little innocent kind of fantasy, it's playful and child like. It takes you back to the days when wishes were possible. She wanted you to take her for a ride in her fantasy, for just a moment. You completely missed the beat, and in her head you'd been missing the beat for a while. She smiled and closed her eyes, like a kid waiting for a gift, hoping you'd tune in to her rhythm, and you my friend just sat there lost in your head. She was bored and gave you a final chance to sweep her off her feet, to lead the dance, without necessarily needing her to teach you the steps.
Don't worry about it too much though, you guys are just cut from a different cloth. She wants a guy that'll take her hand and twirl her when you pass by a good street musician, you are the type to avert your eyes or on a good day, pad your pockets for change, only to realize you have none. What you need is to either kick up the romance and the unexpected a notch, or you need to find a girl that loves video games or movies or sitting around doing nothing as much as you do.
And for future reference, when in doubt, just caress her waist and bring your hand to the small of her back and slowly pull her in for a kiss, she will normally know what to do from there, and if she pushes you away, atleast it's a confrontation, you now have something to talk about and everything is out in the open...
Good luck with the next fish...
posted by Dante on 07/30/2010
At what point does "I'm busy" turn into "I'm getting blown off"? We've been dating for 3 months and are serious about each other. Typically we will trade a couple e-mails per day and talk on the phone for a few minutes if we don't see each other, but lately that has turned into a single e-mail every couple of days.
I know that she is very busy running her business, but to me it se... read more
I know that she is very busy running her business, but to me it se... read more
You're paronoid
She is not into you
She probably is just busy
Look for other girls, but still keep in touch with her.
