Asked

Jul 26 2009

Female

This guy that I was dating, told me that he needs a break to figure things out. So, I gave it to him. Then today I get this email saying that he heard that I had sex with another guy (which I did not, by the way). He seemed pretty upset and accused me of lying to him about the guys that I've been with. We are still supposed to be on our break, but it seems to me like he still likes me because for him to get so upset about this, there must be something there. This is not the first time that he has tried to talk to me since our "break" started. Should I respond? I mean I would love to be with this guy, so I don't want to ruin things, but I am angry that he would believe rumor over something that I said to his face. Do you think he is over me?

anonymous post in On a Break

Answered

Dec 28 2009

Hi, one good test to really know if indeed you can be together is to have a nice conversation to clarify things that bother both of you:
1) Have you or are you with anyone new? (If yes, then it defeats the question of getting back right? If no, then it clarifies the rumor that he heard and it means you can bring on this next question..)
2) Do we like each other well enough to consider getting back together? (If yes, well then, what are you waiting for? If no, there is not use being so preoccupied with him and it is time to move on..)

Goodluck, Weather

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Answered

Dec 22 2009

Over me, I think the two of you should sit down and chat. Forget about his poor reaction to an awful rumor and tell him how you feel. How could that be wrong?

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Answered

Dec 9 2009

Let me get this straight. First he tells you he needs a break. Then he falsely accuses you of lying and cheating. And you want to know if he's over you. The real question is why aren't you over him already? The guy is a loser and potentially abusive. Why do women think guys must like them because they get "upset" about such things. This is not a sign of liking you. It is a clear sign of trying to control. Run...and fast.

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Answered

Sep 18 2009

I have a better question: Are you willing to be over him? The first "red flag" is that he confronted you in an email (Hello, passive-aggressive, nice to meet you). If he was serious about you, and about salvaging the relationship, a phone call would have been the way to go. Second, guys tend to react in a jealous way over "physical infidelity" (i.e., if their partner has sex with another guy), while girls tend to react more to "emotional infidelity" (like when your bf talks to his best female friend about his problems rather than talking to you. This goes way back to cavemen times and was used as a means of making sure a man didn't invest "resources" in a child that was not his. So being jealous might just be a response to feeling deceived, rather than a genuine emotion regarding the status of your relationship. Finally, relationships that last are relationships built on trust and communication. We already established that he's allergic to appropriate means of conflict communication, so that leaves us with trust. If a rumor is enough to set him off, it could be a sign that there are more serious trust issues between the two of you. You need to sit down, face to face, and discuss why he would trust something he "heard" rather than ask you about it like a grown-up.

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Answered

Jul 28 2009

Well I can see why you are confused, especially with the slew of mixed signals you’re getting. When someone asks for a break they are usually unsure of their feelings toward the other person in the relationship. But it’s also not that uncommon for someone to request a break because they are certain they no longer want to be in the relationship but are too cowardly to make a clean break for whatever reason.

But I think you’re right, he doesn’t sound like the type who’s looking to hedge his bets. By having one foot out the door and one foot in, you’re left in limbo. So you need to use your trump card here, if you really want to know where you stand.

I rarely suggest giving an ultimatum but it seems like false accusations and game playing could drag on unless you nip it in the bud. The next time he calls, setup a meeting in a neutral, public place. When he arrives, get straight to the point:

I have not cheated on you. My past, sexual relationships are none of your business. I require trust in my relationships. If you do not trust me, walk away but if you do believe me, then let us move forward and never speak of this again.

You’ll probably be met with some frustration because he’s being forced to move forward or move on but it’s the only way to regain the advantage in this type of situation where slander has impacted the integrity of the relationship. Let me know how it turns out.

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I need some advice. Been married for a few years (2nd time for her - 1st for me) I accepted her kids and her life before me -and we created a life together. I have caught her in lies, and she has cheated on me. I love her with all my heart, and my reaction often is - i am leaving. I don't think i want to leave - but i don't know what else to do? Our styles of parenting often clash (they are teena... read more